“Identity”… Man, what a daunting word. Some people spend lifetimes discovering it, while others are born with an understanding of it. My identity journey has taken shape in three stages. “Impressionable Identity Suppression”, “Life of a Yes Man”, and the “This is Who I Am” stage. Three very different stages of understanding and acceptance. However those three stages have been pivitol to creating the person I am today.
Impressionable Identity Suppression
This topic ties in closely with another topic I wrote about- “Create: What it Means to Me”. My youthful life was devoted to my escapism. I shrouded myself in shadows and hid behind larger than life enigmas I created with the tip of a pen. I set up grand expectations for myself to one day be just like the characters I had grown so attached to. Yet, all I did was suppress my own identity by distracting myself with creating others. Creating a new identity each day with a different story and motivation, saved me from dwelling on my abuse and depression that I couldn’t understand at a young age. I was simply waiting to be the hero of the day and fall into a story book love. Which really feeds into stage 2 of my identity crisis.
Life of a Yes Man
I eventually drifted away from story-craft, and focused more on my real life. I became so fixated on story book love however, that the first attention I received a labelled it as such. Sadly my view of relationships had been terribly mis-shapen and I went in with the wrong priorities. Focusing all efforts on the partner, and not trying to shape my own path.
My identity became an existence of taking orders. I went to work to build someone else’s life. Enrolled in school so I could promise someone else a better future. I lived my life to please, and there was simply no daylight left in a day to make my own decisions.
Thankfully, my circumstances changed, and I was finally alone in the real, adult world. I had the chance to be alone with my decisions. I didn’t immediately grasp onto finding my identity. Hell, I didn’t even know I was missing one. That was until someone finally wanted to get to know me on a deep, philosophical level.
This is Who I Am
I met my now wife. She changed everything about the world I live in. She introduced to me the idea of love as a partnership. I was not prepared for someone to ask me my deep beliefs and life experiences.
We sat in the rain, staring at the smoke from a cigarette rise. I was faced with hard hitting questions about my past, and what made me unique. I tried with all of my heart to come up with answers, but when none came I simply broke down crying. I had no idea who I truly was.
Our love deepend, and not once did she ever try to mould who I was. She simply taught me to ask myself deeper questions about myself, and now I know the real answers.
I am a peaceful, creative soul. My chest houses a heart big enough for everybody, and I want to create something amazing in my time in this world. I am a free, Non-binary person who doesn’t need to conform to any handicapping gender denominations. This deep understanding of myself is what was needed to point my life in the right path. I have clear priorities, my own morals and my own Identity. Don’t let anybody take that away from you.
Thanks for reading. Spread some love today.