While the title of this Blog entry may seem like an insult to my (beautiful) Wife, it is far from vengeful. You see, I grew up a shy, rather fragile kid. Growing up that way, I may as well painted a target on my back with a “Bullies Welcome” sign. I was able to remain strong amidst most of it, telling myself they are merely words. That was until those words were about me being gay. This is my story of self resentment, turned to self-discovery at the hands of a loving heart.
Derogatory terms to describe homosexuality often times found their home in my ears. Each time my ears heard those harsh words, and each time my skin would absorb the punches, I was not offended, hurt or crying… I was simply confused.
“Why are they calling me gay? I’m not even gay”
Thoughts such as the above started to plague my mind. So began years and years of holding myself up to the highest standards of “Manliness”. Pushing aside anything about myself that I (Or the aforementioned bullies) deemed feminine. The changes I forced on myself in this time turned me into an angry, selfish person who was so desperately trying to be intimidating and manly, that he forgot who he was at heart. Instead of finding hobbies, friends and interests, I decided to merely sink myself into pages upon pages of Anarchist beliefs and excluding myself from a society I deemed unworthy of my presence.
How It Impacted My Beliefs
My views on homosexuality were a tragic casualty as a result. I held so much resentment for ‘appearing’ gay, that I resented homosexuality all together.
After reveling in nothing but hate in my pubescent years, I was left with little to no self esteem entering High School (So unique, I know). Add to that an extended abusive relationship, and the product of my coming of age was a damaged, fragile person with little to no hope for their future. He would simply spend his days resenting the very society he so wanted to be accepted by. Entering College though he knew he was stuck in the broken system of failure and debts.
Time For A Change
But then things took a total tonal shift. While working at a coffee shop, a kind-hearted coworker busted out her biggest crowbar and started prying back every single wall of defense I’ve built. She saw through the failed intimidation attempts, and sensed the force behind the placeholder smiles.
She got to know me on a level I didn’t even know myself. Opening me up to new, mindful ways of thinking. I slid myself under the microscope, and inspected the traits I kept hidden.
After beginning to think in a better, more positive, reinforced manner, I wound up quickly on a knee in front of her… proposing… Twice. Once, rushed and passionately after sex, with no ring, just to reassure her Wonder Woman heart that I was serious. Not even the fact that she had two children. Nor the fact that I was neck deep in Computer Science text and Student Loan debt. The second time, with a ring and with a purpose. One knee in front of her… and my mind goes blank. Every thoughtful word I had conjured up, cocooned in my brain, waiting to fly at this very moment. Yet I can honestly not recall a single word I said.
Recovery and Self-Discovery
Entangling my heart within someone else’s allowed my heart, soul and mind to open up to things starkly contrasted by the bleak, hate coated being I previously formed. I became so comfortable with my own being, allowing me to consciously lower my defenses, demolishing my template expectations. Allowing myself to explore my own thoughts and feelings on a new level, I reconnected with the hurt little boy I wrote out of the script, and began to acknowledge that there was not a single thing wrong with who I was back then. Being seen as ‘feminine’ or ‘fragile’ was acceptable. It was okay for ‘men’ to show their emotions.
Fast-Forward almost 2 amazing years spent with my wife, and I am now much more in touch with who I am at heart. Thanks to her, I came out as bisexual. She gave me the courage to wear nail polish to work every day just because it helps make me feel better, and empowered me to become a real, complete person and I am so thrilled to share this story with the world.
I hope my story is enough to inspire people to look deeper into themselves. Look deeper into their peers, think twice about who they are. One of the most important aspects of life is to discover yourself, and I am not afraid to say I was not a person until I made that discovery. Share this story with your friends, family and to anybody who could benefit from reading it. Bullying can drive many to toxic mindsets, and if any of my words can shape how a person looks at themselves, then mission accomplished.
Thank you for joining me on my story, and if my wife happens to be reading at this point, thank you for putting up with me, and thank you for giving me life.